Back with my tail between my legs

I've been loitering around your blogs this week, and greedily reading the comments you left on my last post in order to feel better about things. Thanks so much for the sensible words. I know it's not the end of the world, things just get to me sometimes.

I didn't go to my meeting this week, I had somewhere else to be at that time but will go back next week and hopefully not leave feeling rotten again. I'm suffering 'girl problems' at the moment anyway so I figured I wouldn't have been doing myself any favours.

It's been ages since I last 'blogged' - I've been busy busy busy and suspect that it's only going to continue for now. I've taken on another client - an online advertising company - and have been getting up to speed with the latest web design techniques. I have so much more to learn!

I've been still managing to slip in my walks to and from the station (30mins each way) each day so I figure at least I'm doing something to aid my ww progress, though I admit that my priorities have been scrambled these last two weeks, I have to try and work out how to eat more of my points during the later day so that I am not starving when I get home, I'm finding I'm 'pigging out' at dinner time and always craving something suppery after - and there are busicuits & chips in the house again, which I can't resist.

CBs birthday Thursday - shhhh - I haven't got him a present yet 'cause I thought he was going to be away all week but plans changed and now I'm going to have to come up with an excuse until I get to the shops on Saturday.


It's going to be an interesting week!

Mental Hurdles

Well I've messed up again. All my good work undone because I have no self-control and no stamina to practice what I preach. It's all easy in theory, calculate your points, stick to your daily allowance, walk a bit, and the weight will fall off. This week I've done the opposite of all those things. Talk about cutting off my nose to spite my face!

Downhill spiral started Saturday, recording a weigh in of + 700 grams! Aghh. I was shocked since I thought I'd done ok, and was expecting a loss, not such a dramatic gain. So, looking at it, I decided on a 'back to basics' week, counting, weighing food and generally watching all my portions to ensure I was sticking to the 20 points.

All that lasted only half a day, and since I've been eating toast with butter (?? What's that about, I don't eat Margarine or butter even when I'm not on the program!) a whole 250 gram pack of m&ms, man sized servings of pasta, meatballs, breakfast etc and in between there has been soft drink, wine, juice...

I feel lethargic, uncomfortable, bloated and just plain heavy, yet I can't seem to stop.

I'm blaming it on hormones, my cycle, everything I can imagine 'cause at the moment, the idea of just doing the right thing, eating proper and exercising, just seems way too hard.

Too hard. That's it really. I just read M's post and I think it may have pin-pointed part of the reason for my continual self-sabotage when I get close to achieving my goals. I still think like a fat person. Why, because it's easier. It's easier to think 'I'm fat anyway, people expect me to eat like a horse so why do I bother trying' than it is to correct with 'you've come this far, have a banana instead'.

Maybe because that banana symbolises all the bitterness I have about having to diet in the first place - this is ALWAYS going to be a battle. It won't go away when I get to goal. I HATE that. I want to eat what I want, enjoy every offering in life, and be healthy too. And because inside my head is a rebellious streak, I will always 'challenge' my lot in this world. I will eat that choc bar because I'm pissed off that I can't.

Sorry. Bitter and angry girl here right now. I wish it was easier, I wish I wasn't obsessed with food (I am, whether it's counting it, craving it, deciding on it, or eating it, I am always thinking about food). I wish my body knew when it was full, or at least was more obvious about letting me know (a stab in the guts would be sufficient). I wish that it wasn't the very thing that affects me and my mood more than anything else in the world. Quite pathetic really. All the worlds trauma and all I can think about is myself and these extra 4 kgs.

Good time to stop writing I think. I won't post again till I'm in a better mood. These angry posts are not very productive.

City to Surf 2005

I've just entered my mum and I in the Sun Herald City to Surf - it's a great day out and a lot of fun (I've done it the last 3 years). Would definitly help clock up those steps in your walking challenges.

Adrenaline BABY!!!

Hey all. I've been off working hard this week and haven't checked in for a bit but today you get my complete and utter attention (just having a good ol' read of your journals...).

I've had a crazy stressful 24 hours and am currently downing a wine, which I can tell you, is going down waaaay too easily. My motto for today was "it will be over soon' and it finally is!!

Let me back track (in a non-ww sense):
Yesterday I was preparing tender material for a client and it was all a mad panic to get it to the press as the deadline was 1pm today. So I finally sent the files off at 3pm yesterday, by courier, and didn't give them a second thought. UNTIL about 7-30 last night when it occurred to me that as my software had been playing up (defaulting to standard settings instead of 'output for press') I had potentially sent the files as a low-quality file instead of 'press ready' file. By 7-31 I had CONVINCED my self that I had definitely sent the wrong files. I couldn't get back in the office, and I couldn't get hold of the printer so I had a whole night of feeling like vomit before the problem could even begin to be fixed.

I slept badly and woke at 4am only to lie awake stressing till 6am when I could get up try to rectify the situation. I rang the printer at 7 and he told me he hadn't pressed the job yet but it was scheduled for 9. I put the job on hold, and went into my clients office early to burn a cd of the proper files, then got on a train to deliver the disc in person. I literally ran for about 20mins trying to find the address and finally got there at 9-45am.

I then felt sick until the job had been returned by deadline and there were no errors.

I am soooo glad it all worked out ok. I couldn't have afforded to lose my client over this one.


----------

Hmmm, now that that is out of my system - on to my week as a ww.
I feel like I've lost. I haven't gone over my points since Sunday and I have walked for at least 50 mins every day. I think this makes me ok, but I can't be sure. I could still be on an adrenaline high. Sat will tell all.

The thing I've noticed the most over the last two weeks is a dramatic increase in my fitness. I can jog for about 500m without dying, I take a run-up to stairs and take them two at a time and I'm not dead at the top. Oh, and I'm not sweating as much on the way to the station - I'm happy for these indicators! They are welcome in my world at the moment.


Well that's it from me today. Hope you don't mind the recall of the days drama, but the relief I feel now compelled me to reflect.

Hope everyone is having a great week.

Cath

Too much of a good thing

In this case, my definition of 'good' is 'really yummy and high in fat'. I think the biggest problem I have with my eating is staying on track on the weekends. I am not very good at saying no to the yummy things, in fact, I really really want to eat these things and sometimes it makes me really angry when I'm not allowed. Needless to say, I ate LOTS this weekend!

So, in terms of my 'almost at goal' status, I think I'm going to have to try hard this week to stay there!

On that note, thanks for all the compliments on my last few posts. I seem to be getting a lit of use out of my digital camera lately. My vanity is starting to shine through.

I worked yesterday but will be at home today cleaning up the house - CBs folks are in town this weekend and I don't like the idea that they have to step over things. My first priority of the day however, is to get my ass outside! I have been doing a lot of walking this week, but I need to do more to recover from my weekend indulgences.

Wish I had something clever or well considered to say this week but so far, it's all surface gibbering. I'm a simple being.

Have a great week folks.

XX Cath

As of today, I wear glasses...

I didn't have to pay today - woodillyhoodilly!!

I recorded a loss of 700g today (sounds better than 0.7kg) and I'm so pleased. This brings my weight to within the 1kg limit of my goal - which means I'm officially back to my "Lifetime member at goal" status. Yaaay!!

Yes, lots of bragging for me today, but what the hey. I don't get to do it too often. I'll celebrate more when I'm back to goal - I've given myself 2 weeks to do this.

I've been offline the last few days, lots of work going on etc etc keeping me away from my blogging and reading. I'm not really expecting any relief this week either - I'm all booked up again - good for the pocket but less 'Me time' again.

I'm also wearing my new glasses for the first time. Very exciting but a little bit scary since I just took them off an was shocked at how fuzzy things look - I also don't have to sit so close to the computer screen anymore which is good.

Well lunch is on now, (Velish Vege soup & turkish bread) so I'm going to go graze. But have asked CB to take photos (yes I'm getting to be a vain little cookie) and will post them up here later to show off my new glasses.

Ciao for now.

Cath

Storm Trooper boots

well one of them anyway...

Exhausted!

I don't usually work on customer site on Mondays so today was a bit of a shock to the system. I woke up at 5 to finish some work I was meant to do at 9 today, so that I could go out to Chatswood to work for someone else. I left the house at 7:30, determined to get my walk to redfern station in since it would probably be my only exercise for today. We ended up having Pizza from the local Italian pizzeria last night - not AS bad as Dominos, but it put my 'healthy' weekend off the scale... (the 1/2 bottle of wine, pudding and icecream probably didn't help either...)

So today started hurriedly and I didn't have time for brecky, just a skip cap on the way to the studio. I'm struggling to tally my points today - I don't know what my lunch was worth (1/2 Jesters 'under 5 grams of fat / 100gs' pie = x) and apart from that, all I had was the skim cap (1), ww bar (1.5), banana (1) . I also just put away rice crackers (1) & dried fruit (1). So I guess that adds to 6.5 + x + dinner. Who knows. I think I'll go easy on the dinner tonight just in case.

CB is currently doing the dishes. It has been his 'turn' since Friday and he finally picks up the dishcloth. I came home and he immediately goes "I'm about to do them..."and you know what, ordinarily I might have done them myself, but though "bugger it" so I'm leaving him to his own devices, but will offer to cook dinner & clean up when he is done. It takes a lot of strength to leave those dishes unwashed and piling up for 3 days!

I wore a skirt and my stormtrooper boots today. I reckon the skirt is fitting better. I also am starting to feel sexy wearing stockings (as opposed to all twisted & uncomfortable).

Righto. I have invoicing to catch up on (or else I don't get paid) so will leave this here. Happy Monday!!

Getting in on the list thing...

No one tagged me, but what the hey:

Three names I go by:
1 Cath
2 Catherine
3 Coulby

Three screen names I've had;
1 Cath
2 Phase
3 Clompy

Three physical things I like about myself;
1 My eyes
2 My hands
3 My nose

Three physical things I don't like about myself
1 My boobs (more like 'what boobs')
2 My heavy hips & legs
3 My skin - very big pores, ick

Three parts of my heritage
1 kiwi
2 Dutch
3 Australian - Naturalised when I was 16

Three things I am wearing right now
1 my green cords
2 fluffy bed socks
3 red singlet

Three favorite bands/musical artists
1 Chemical Brothers
2 Daft Punk
3 Deep Dish

Three favorite songs (at the moment)
1 Believe
2 Technologic
3 Flash Dance

Three things I want in a relationship
1 intimacy
2 fun
3 honesty

Two truths and a lie
1 I am the happiest I have ever been
2 I need more space to fully pursue my business
3 Someone crashed into my car while it was parked

Three physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to you
1 strong shoulders
2 masculine voice
3 he has to be bigger than me!

Three favorite hobbies
1 bonding with my iMac & playing on the net
2 Walking
3 Snuggling on the couch

Three things I want to badly right now
1 Find the motivation to go outside and walk for a bit (cold and windy)
2 Magically finish the housework
3 Finish a project for my mates jewelry launch

Three things that scare me
1 Spiders
2 Moths
3 Flying

Three of my everyday essentials
1 CB (my boy)
2 Internet connection
3 Clean undies

Three careers you have considered or are considering
1 Graphic Designer
2 Design Account manager
3 Zoo Keeper

Three places you want to go on vacation
1 Netherlands
2 Spain
3 Explore Australia

Three kids names you like
1 Abigail
2 Jacob
3 Timothy

Three things you want to do before you die
1 Have children
2 Run/own a design studio
3 Travel

Three ways I am stereotypically a boy
1 I hate doing laundry
2 I have big feet
3 I like lots of sex ;-)

Three ways I am stereotypically a girl
1 I hate things messy
2 I am emotional
3 I worry about those close to me and would put them first

Three (OLD teenage) celeb crushes
1 Leonardo DiCaprio
2 Heath Ledger
3 That dude from Cruel Intentions

-------------------
Sunday!
It's cold and windy and I really should go outside, but the idea makes my face shrivel!

I had a really good day food wise yesterday - only 20 points on a Saturday! Go me! I thought I'd blown it with dinner (soft tacos with chicken and avocado + self saucing pudding with ice cream) but when I did the maths, I'd come in without going over my limit. That is the first time on a Saturday for a long time! Night time was nice too, scored a massage from the boy which was sort of a luxury. All in all a top Saturday.

Today is going well too, I have some work to do but am procrastinating so far - hooray for blogging. I had a yummy lunch and have 11 point left for the rest of the afternoon and dinner. We still have grocery shopping to do, but will get to that soon. It may be the only exercise I do today.

Thanks for the comments this week folks, Have a great week.

Cath

Dud weigh in (warning - gripes gallore)

Morning ladies (and gentlemen if you are reading!)
I've had an interesting week and was actually 'looking forward' to my meeting today. I had been anticipating a loss of .5 - .8kg and was going to buy myself a cook book as a treat. I left my meeting today without a cookbook. I only lost 0.3 and although ' a loss is a loss', I am really disappointed. I was sure I could 'feel' differences this week - my clothes are fitting better again, and I wore my 'at goal' jeans yesterday to work (navy blue ones in my at goal pictures'). I did have Vietnamese and shared a bottle of wine with CB last night, but I didn't think it would make that much difference to my weigh in. Guess I was wrong!

Another thing about my weigh in this morning (it's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to) is that I got to the meeting at 10 am, expecting to meet the regular leader only to find that the fill in is still there (will be till at least august 6 apparently). No one was interested in 'how my week' had been, they were all just whining that no one was coming and that the meeting needs more people or they'll chop it. Then the whispering started between the weighers and the leader and there was basically no acknowledgement that someone was there ready to pay and be weighed. I didn't stay for the meeting, I doubt if any one did. Bad experience. They were also talking about the 'complaints made' to the weigher about the new leader, and something about the Tuesday night one.

I think the meeting needs an entire re-think of it's priorities. I'm possibly going to start going back to my old meeting in glebe when I am back to monthly LTM weigh ins.

That's my bit! back to fun stuff now...

It's the weeeeeekend! woohooo. I've had a busy week trying to organise pinkslip and rego etc for my car, picking up car parts for its broken bits. I am stereotypically a girl when it comes to cars. I procrastinate and am deliberately stubborn about anything automobile. It all seems too hard. Sorted it all out this morning though, so I don't have to think about it any more. yay.

I have just gotten my eyes tested to try and work out why I can't see at night and what do you know, I have slight astigmatism so it's glasses for cath. I ordered some interesting Versace frames - a little bit extravagant (read: expensive) but I decided if I must have them then I may as well make them a fashion item. CB is not happy about my decision (muttered something about me not paying that much since I 'm not in a health fund bla bla bla) but it's my money right!

I'm pumped for another busy week and going to try really hard to lose the whole .5kg this time. I really hope I can do it. It's shitty that I'm paying money and still not enjoying the meeting. At least as a LTM at goal, I won't have to pay so it won't irritate me so much.

Hope you all have fab weeks.

PS - I've been reading your blogs but not commenting too often because I always get there too late! You girls are amazing. I think we need to do that sydney meet up soon!!

Re: Photos

Hi again,
Just wanted to say thanks to all of you that posted comments on my 'Photos' entry. I really wasn't fishing for all the compliments when I posted them there - but thought it only fair to share since some of you have 'let us in' to your very personal weight loss struggles.

For me, I continue to 'celebrate my success' in the best way possible, by living life to the fullest and enjoying my healthy body and making the most of every opportunity. I think it's important to mention that this journey isn't over when you reach your goal weight. One of the biggest things I struggle with is that my bodies' physiology hasn't changed - my metabolism increases when I exercise regularly, and when I don't, I put on weight rapidly - this new bod requires constant care and maintenance. I don't have genetics on my side - our whole family is well built - but being aware of how my body responds to food and exercise is a big help, and when I'm conscious of how I'm treating it, I can stay in control.

Another thing I wanted to mention is that your goal weight is a totally individual thing - I had no idea what I'd look like when I got there, so used the BMI chart as a guide, and the result was a surprise. Looking back at the photos when I reached goal, and then even lost a bit more, I'm now acutely aware of the difference that last 7kgs made! My challenge now is to get back into the pants I was wearing at the time. I've got 8 weeks left to do it in!

P.S. I managed to fit a 4.5pt bar of Lindt dark choc into my points today. I looooove drk chocolate.
P.P.S - does anyone know what marinated baby octopus cooked on a bbq (no oil) might be worth?

House Perv

The last 2 days have seen myself and a girlfriend 'discovering' our suburbs, street by street. Quite a cool way to walk because every street is different and some of the houses around us are amazing. Even managed to deliberately go up a few hills - I'm not a big fan of them but i's a lot easier when you are with someone else. Having a walking buddy definitely makes walking for longer and harder less painful.

So exercise this week is going well so far. Eating - not as great as planned. Monday was haywire but yesterday was ok. This really is a day by day game for me. I am still feeling bloated, my body must be punishing me for the weekend's indulgences. I've just dropped CB at the airport (Gold Coast - 2 days) so I have a good opportunity to make amends and stay on track the rest of the week. Wish me luck!

On to other matters. I was a very unhappy and depressed young lady in school and was unfortunate enough to have a nasty 'scowl' look as my 'normal' face. But I was shy and timid and didn't do very well socially. Now things have changed since then, and I'm now a normally happy person but last night I bumped into a bloke I went to school with and he wanted to grab a coffee. Chatting to him, he informed me I could have been awarded 'Miss arrogant 1997' - I never even spoke to the bloke in highschool - How Rude! I'm wondering if the permanent scowl had anything to do with it, combined with the fact I was more than shy, I was actually afraid of the kids at school having been bullied from year one. Harsh all the same! I was seething, I have never ever been called arrogant before.

Anyway, that's my bit for Wednesday. I do have to get ready for work so will catch up with you lovelies and your blogs later.

Cheers,

Cath

Photos

After visiting many blogs with photos, I thought it only fair that I let you have a peak of my journey in pictures. I've uploaded this gallery to the back of my website, and it may move or be taken down, but for the month of July 2005, pics of my weight loss progress can be found here.

Chips, dips, m&ms, cakes, steak & wine

All of the above in large quantities - welcome to my weakend!

There's no point dwelling on it since what is done is done. I've just gotten back from a great walk with a friend and I'm back to feeling on top of things again. I'm putting my bloated feeling down to TTOM and am not going to let myself jump on the scales until it's gone because It'll only make me feel bad.

I've been catching up on all of my regular blog reading this morning and am feeling pumped up by you girls and your collective success!

This week I'm going into damage control mode and am going to focus my efforts on recording a .5kg loss on saturday. I'm going to try and get out of bed earlier, walk for a bit longer and faster and hopefully the bulge will budge!

Little by little I'm determined to make it. I've been looking through my photos lately and have found some from when I had reached goal nearly three years ago - I looked heaps more toned than I do now, I suppose it's because I had been exercising so much more. I'd like to look like that again. I also found some pics of before I had lost anything, and that made me feel a bit better about my current progress! I guess it's always going to be a case of the grass is greener, but it is always going to be relative! I'm going to try and post the three comparison shots on here later today.

Speaking of photos - I've just uploaded the weekend shots I took using the Canon 350 D SLR - I'm not a fantastic photographer, but it's a lot easier when your equipment is good quality! Here is the link if you are interested: Photo Gallery - Tamworth - 3/7/05
There aren't any shots of me apart from a back view of me attempting to get on a bike, but I will be posting a seperate gallery later for you spy girls ;-)

Later,
Cath