Mental Hurdles

Well I've messed up again. All my good work undone because I have no self-control and no stamina to practice what I preach. It's all easy in theory, calculate your points, stick to your daily allowance, walk a bit, and the weight will fall off. This week I've done the opposite of all those things. Talk about cutting off my nose to spite my face!

Downhill spiral started Saturday, recording a weigh in of + 700 grams! Aghh. I was shocked since I thought I'd done ok, and was expecting a loss, not such a dramatic gain. So, looking at it, I decided on a 'back to basics' week, counting, weighing food and generally watching all my portions to ensure I was sticking to the 20 points.

All that lasted only half a day, and since I've been eating toast with butter (?? What's that about, I don't eat Margarine or butter even when I'm not on the program!) a whole 250 gram pack of m&ms, man sized servings of pasta, meatballs, breakfast etc and in between there has been soft drink, wine, juice...

I feel lethargic, uncomfortable, bloated and just plain heavy, yet I can't seem to stop.

I'm blaming it on hormones, my cycle, everything I can imagine 'cause at the moment, the idea of just doing the right thing, eating proper and exercising, just seems way too hard.

Too hard. That's it really. I just read M's post and I think it may have pin-pointed part of the reason for my continual self-sabotage when I get close to achieving my goals. I still think like a fat person. Why, because it's easier. It's easier to think 'I'm fat anyway, people expect me to eat like a horse so why do I bother trying' than it is to correct with 'you've come this far, have a banana instead'.

Maybe because that banana symbolises all the bitterness I have about having to diet in the first place - this is ALWAYS going to be a battle. It won't go away when I get to goal. I HATE that. I want to eat what I want, enjoy every offering in life, and be healthy too. And because inside my head is a rebellious streak, I will always 'challenge' my lot in this world. I will eat that choc bar because I'm pissed off that I can't.

Sorry. Bitter and angry girl here right now. I wish it was easier, I wish I wasn't obsessed with food (I am, whether it's counting it, craving it, deciding on it, or eating it, I am always thinking about food). I wish my body knew when it was full, or at least was more obvious about letting me know (a stab in the guts would be sufficient). I wish that it wasn't the very thing that affects me and my mood more than anything else in the world. Quite pathetic really. All the worlds trauma and all I can think about is myself and these extra 4 kgs.

Good time to stop writing I think. I won't post again till I'm in a better mood. These angry posts are not very productive.