In a rut...

A great deep canyon that is full with chocolate and biscuits and alcohol & cakes and pastas and CHEESE. Aghh!

I don't know what to do - correction, I DO know what to do, but I can't find the headspace to do it. I am eating too much of the wrong things, well, too much full stop. I feel like my brain has flushed out all the good information about nutrition and exercise, replacing the void with the fat cath ways. I have been trying to rekindle the enthusiasm but it's just not there! I used to get out of bed at 5am during the week, go for a 40min walk, make breakfast, have a shower, get dressed and then powerwalk another 15mins to the station - every weekday! Now, I can barely drag myself out of bed before 7.30am.

Soooo frustrating. Know what you have to do, but feeling unable to do it, but with no valid excuse. My eating habits have gone to shit, and it's not even about being unorganised - I have been buying crap every day. I'm hopeless.

I'm thinking about my next meal almost every hour - like I'm possessed by the girl I left behind 4 1/2 years ago.

I need to get a grip!

I'm so angry at myself for letting this get out of control again.

Well it's been 2 months

And I've been a bad little weight watcher. I can't find the zone again, and I really want it back. Same old story. Nothing new here. I'm just not strong enough anymore.

But I have entered the city to surf, so I do need to start walking more if I want to do it without dying. I say this while a friend is busy making a sticky date pudding in my kitchen - it serves 6 and contains 1 cup caster sugar, 1 cup of brown sugar, 300 grams of butter (!!!), 1 cup of cream, 200gms of dates and 1 1/2 cups of flour. Plus eggs, etc etc. I don't want to do the math..

On a better note, I went for a walk today in Manly, walking along the coastline from Manly wharf. Such a gorgeous day to be out in the sun. Topped it off by having lunch followed by chocolate heaven. I won't disclose the details, but it was evil.

I can't really make any promises at the moment, to the blog, to myself or to anyone else. I feel a little bit rebellious and out of control and don't think I'm in the right headspace to do anything about it. If anything, I've still got a conscience about it, so that must mean that eventually I'll snap out of it and make a few changes.

So that's the wrap up. Not dead, but not skinny yet. Winter is making it damn hard to get out of bed!

Hope everyone is doing ok.